that kept me up all night.

Born without knowing anything

And each year I’m gradually learning

My curiosity and innocence

Are slowly drifting from existence

I’ve known some things I shouldn’t learn

I care for things I shouldn’t yearn

I was taught not to do badly

I but I grew up non conforming, sadly

My pain is self inflicted

From actions that were restricted

I was protected and sheltered

But I turned out wrong and disoriented

My life was good the way it was

But somehow I screwed up, because

I find errors in wonderful things

And end up hurting my own feelings

I try not to be disarrayed

But my curiosity always makes me stay

Learning seems to be a part of existing

However inaccuracy goes with living

Misleading experiences are hard to resist

Thus, ignorance truly is bliss.

think about it

written in cursive
blood stainted the page
of what seemed to be a diary
written for a grave.
all thoughts contained
of sorrow and pain;
the face seemed happy
but who looks at the inner core
when there's so much more to see,
so much more things to taste,
too many red stained petals
to be folded between pages?
from beings that claimed to be
your true happines.
tell me
didn't you cry in pain before
from the same being who pushed you
on the floor
against the wall
happiness sounds dangerous to me
why is happiness there everytime you fall?

I kicked ass

Okay, so maybe not.

I'm no pro bowler, never was, never will be, but I know I can kick some ass on it.

I have suffered some minor injuries last Friday night from bowling. But I lived through it. You see, i'm not the biggest athlete in the world, I know nothing about sports and it would stay that way forevvvaaah. :] But I could bowl, and play chess, and I know rollerblades. But whenever I don't feel like playing anymore, I stop trying. Which is probably why I lost in the second game.


Oh yeah. I should stop talking to my fishees.

You didn't get it? Neither did I.

I dream of a land faraway
Astray from society, away from reality
I'm not allowing myself to be another statistic
Nor a citizen of what people thinks is a country
I'm not being pessimistic
But what exactly do they mean by it?
How can we own one land and call it home
When all of it we can own
But no, people think mindlessly
Conforming to society
Trying to be fed by what they're informed
But that's not how I work
I don't do well with norms
For I recall that this piece of land was for everybody
And I have every right to own what belongs to me
Apparently I am on my own
Outnumbered by people struggling to work hard
To buy that place they want to call home
I am much happier alone
For I found my home
My heart is my home.
I dream of a land faraway from society
Where no one has to fight over land
Which was theirs all along.

18

This is something I started to write before my 19th birthday and I never got the chance to finish it. Now, here's my attempt to put words together.

Looking back, what happened really?
18 years just went by so quickly
Not too old, but kind of wise
Seen many things, heard numerous lies
Taught a lot but learned nothing at all
Did some right but mostly wrong
But who could judge?
I'm not gonna live for too long
For me to fit into your society, or live dully
Just to make you happy
No, that is not how I want me to be
I've seen you cry because of the way I am
But you surmise that I listen to all lies
That I've been told since I was a five
And trust me I survived
I think for myself, maybe not wisely
But I think for myself, for I am me.
That 18 years were spent on believing
That both of you had each convincing stories to tell
And accusations to make
But I guess I was old enough to realize
Who really made mistakes.
I don't blame anyone for how I turned out to be
I just wish that one day you would see,
I may not be the perfect little girl who'd keep on listening
To every bullshit you keep on giving me.

My 2008 List

Here are some things I need to do before the year is over. :]

• Get my driver's license ☑
• Get a tattoo
• Get another tongue piercing
• Make [a] new friend[s]
• Earn lotsa money
• Paint my room
• Make a trip to the salon
• Get really drunk with vodka
  
• Have a house party with new found friends
• Get over something ☑
• Play a tune on the bass
• Buy a bottle of rhum
• Stargaze
• Get a new pet fish
• Write 5 poems
• Write a short story
• Make a wish on New Year's eve
• Don't spend New Year's eve alone like I did for the past two years.
  

**Kayra**

Me

I've been wanting to get a tattoo since, like, forever. And after looking at several ideas and designs, I don't really know what I want. What people kept telling me was, "get one that really means something to you", or "get a tattoo that shows who you really are".

Uh, easy for you to say.

If you guys haven't noticed yet, I am the most random person I know. I really don't know what I want and I can't seem to figure out what's so special about me. Therefore, getting something that represents me is out of the question. Unless of course there is something that would represent my indecisiveness and randomness. For I can be someone today, and somebody else the next. And I can like these things now and forget about them later.

So does that mean I'm lost? No, I don't think so. I'm just so fickle minded that I can't make up my mind. I'm still wondering what to do with my life, and somehow I've been on this phase for so long now that I couldn't wait to get out of it. I've tried too many things, believed on so many stupid shit people make up, heard a little too much about life, and I'm still on the process on going through all of those one after the other. Which either means I really am stupid or I'm just a slow learner.

Anyway, back to the tattoo, if I can find one thing that represents me stuck in the same box I was in when I turned thirteen and trying to figure out what I wanted to be and who I wanted to be, then Imma get it and stamp it in my damn body for the rest of my life.

Sigh. I'm too old for this shit.

Tidbits of Hatred

Apathy

There's no point of showing how I feel
There's nothing fun with what I have to deal.
So why would I talk to you?
Succumbing to sympathy,
Not something I would do.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Red

So undress me with your eyes
As i'll charm you with my lies
I get what I want, with a skirt so red
And I'll you soon leave you for dead.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

She

She's not so perfect after all
Coz now I've seen her crack and fall and then
All I feel is purely hate
For all the shit I had to take,
For all the things I had to do
Just to become as perfect as she
When in all honesty she isn't really
What I pictured her to be.
The perfect girl I used to love
Had me thinking that maybe
And maybe, that perfection is something
That you would tell yourself
When you are just way too busy
Looking up at someone
And ignoring your own capability
To be the best you can be
Coz perfect doesn't exist.
Not for me at least.

PolSci 101

Nov. 13, 2008 10:05AM

So my mind wanders while I'm in class
And now I'm writing poems just to make time pass
I can hear the professor mumbling in my head
I think he's talking about a president who's now dead.

Five past ten, forty minutes to go.
Why is time running so slow?
Maybe I'll just write poems until the bell would ring
And then head to my next class which is public speaking.

This is what happens when you're bored outta your mind
You start talking to yourself and find words that would rhyme.
Now I feel sorry for my polsci class coz I'm not paying attention
But then again, I don't really need right now any political information.

So it took me 10 minutes to write this damn thing,
I'll go back to class now and pretend that I'm listening.

Haven't had my sleep.

It's 6:45am on a Tuesday morning and my class isn't until 9:30. Now what am I gon do? :[

I'm so sleep deprived.

I haven't have any sleep for the last couple of weeks, and it's showing. Seriously.

That's it, no more coffee for me.

Question.

When you look at me, what do you see?

Am I still the girl who you thought I would to be?

So unsure of myself, would you still want me

If I tell you right here, right now,

That I don't even know who I'm suppose to be.

Ah Randomness!

I've been known for my frequent mood swings, rant here, rant there, and much much more. Therefore, one thing I really need is a status updater every now and then, and since Facebook, MySpace, and Friendster only allow me to have one status update at a time, it doesn't really satisfy my mood swinging needs. :D But then came Plurk.

Plurk. The only answer for spamming bloggers, e.g. me.

Yes, someone should take the internet away from me.

But anyways, here's something random from someone so random.

So, What Happened Last Night?

There's only one word to describe how I feel right now: emptiness.

Damn I'm so emo.

~me.nony.kakam.albert~
~manda infront~
And those right there are my friends. Weird, careless, yet very reliable.
(Special mention to those not included in the picture: Maku; Marc; Shan; Lilac; ug si kinsa pang wa namention. Pagyawyaw lang mu. Hehe)

Me wants to go back home. :'[

What I Won't Know Won't Hurt Me

I don't talk that much to people, and I'm not really an outspoken person if you ask me. All I think about, all I am, I keep inside. I would just randomly sit in one place, watch people walk by, count cars that pass me, and just laugh silently while jotting down stuff in my journal. I may seem harmless and just plain immature but what no one knows -- wait, let me rephrase that -- what most people don't know is that just being aloof and observant to peoples' behaviors also has a downside to it, for me at least.

You see, I was born with the curse of curiosity. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it, all of us have the tendency to be curious sometimes. But I think mine is scary. I have stalker-ish tendencies (I know, sounds pretty darn serious) and I just have this habit on researching stuff about people without even knowing it. And it always ends up me getting too much information than what my mind needs.

Now I know why what I don't know won't hurt me.

from a small spark.

(Original: September 14th 2006)

a lie to tell and a simple kiss,
it started in a situation like this. . .
a new beginning but soon to end
doesn’t feel right but not pretend.
to change all deceit into the real
defending what I really feel.
doing things what I think are right,
but then there are inevitable fights.
holding on, never letting go
but the grip just seem to slip, and so. .
broken pieces on the ground,
shattering finely, without a sound. .
to pick them up and cut my heart
made me remember of us apart.
a small spark to feelings ablaze
used to make me amaze.
all seems lost now, but it still seems fate
very vague thoughts of it, turns to hate.

Going through my archives. :)

I was reading entries from my very first blog and after that, I realized that my way of writing never changed through these years. I am still a crappy writer. Darn.

But anyways, I copied and pasted some of the entries I made which seemed pretty decent yet insignificant. What the heck, we are all frustrated writers, aren't we?

July 26th, 2007
The Truth

I swept the ashes off my skirt
And sat so prim and decent.
You were watching me pride pride and joy,
Saying, "What a lovely lady you’ve become."
You bragged me off to all your friends
And you tell them how beautiful I am.
And while you weren’t looking. . .
I swept the ashes off my skirt,
Then sat so prim and decent.

February 4th, 2007
the need for a passion
when we have a passion for certain things, we feel the joy of having to find the importance of those things. then, we sacrifice for them. for instance, religion. what wonders it does to a person’s life! having to observe a friend’s sudden change because of religion had made me wonder[even until now actually] what a disaster i have been [i wanted to say bad but then it's just too strong a word] in my life.i figured out i need a change. that maybe, instead of just going to church just to be seen [which, i do sometimes..shame on me!] i need to have a passion for it. but then, seeing other people do the same made me think that hey, if they made it through life without Him, why can’t I? but then again, why the heck would i follow those people when i can be someone better and more outstanding not by academics but with faith.i wouldn’t say that I would have an overnight transformation but i would probably do it gradually and then i’ll learn every little details it takes in order to really believe and have faith in Him.then maybe, i could say that He is one passion i am willing to make sacrifices.


**the last one right there doesn't seem to make any sense anymore. but i just wanna give thanks to klein, emarrah, and elysse for commenting to that one and telling me that they would pray for me. i mean, i still believe in God, i still have faith in Him, i just don't go to church anymore. :)

I still have a lot of entries in my old blog. It's just that, I don't want to read them anymore, they seem so empty and irrelevant now.

I still suck at this blogging thing.

*kay*

Realization

It's not how I imagined it to be
I didn't think it through
It's not my intentions but can't you see
My insensitivity just brings out the worst of me.
The more I talk, the more I weep
Nothing good comes out from what I speak
Could it be that my lack of tact
Couldn't stop me from showing you the painful fact
Of how life works.

Sorry wouldn't bring it all back
But then I don't intend to say that
Knowing you could also be
As insensitive as me.
Could it be karma?
No, not really.
Because we both know
That some things have to go.
And this is one of them.

Just another random survey to kill some time. :)

1. You're a girl, right?

► i think so. :) that's what my birth certificate said.
.

2. Have you kissed any one on your top friends list?

► top friends. . .? yeah. lol.

.
(i was wonderin' where number 3 went. ;p)
.
4. Do you enjoy drama?

► if it's on other people, yeah.

.
5. Are you a girly girl?.

► no, not really. but i could pull it off. ;D
.

6. Who was the last person you hugged?

► ty. :)
.

7. Small or large purses?

► haha. ;P small. trust me, i can fit everything in it.
.

8. Are you short?

► i think i'm tall. is five four tall?
.

9. Do you like someone?

► yeah. *wink wink*
.

10. What would you do if someone slapped ur face?

► return the favor. lol.
.

11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?

► yes, i do care.
.

12. Do you think you’re conceited?

► haha, yeah. im a girl, i need to boost my self esteem, you know?
.

13. Do you dress up on Halloween?

► i probably will this year.
.

14. Are you double jointed?

► no, whatever that means. lol.
.

15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?

► sa benches sa SU amphitheatre.
.

16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?

► LOL. me?
.

17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?

► idk. and if there was, then i don't really care.
.

18. Do you call anybody by their last name?

► some.
.

19. How many guys will read this?

► idk.
.

--------------------------------------

[x] I do wear make up.

[x] I have cried at a movie theater.

[ ] I can't put mascara on without opening my mouth.

[x] I get jealous. (imma girl, it's jealousy, do the math.)

[x] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.

[x] I love to laugh.

[x] I like metal.

[ ] I like rap.

[x] I like techno.

[ ] I like country. (hell no.)

[x] I carry a purse.

[ ] I’d be lost without my computer.

[x] I own a Spice Girls CD.

[x] I own a Britney Spears CD.

[x] I own a boy band CD. (sad but true)

[x] I get bored watching football.

[ ] I’ve never been called a spoiled brat.

[x] Guys are VERY confusing.

[x] I’ve been called a bad influence.

[x] My friends are the best.

--------------------------------------

1. What is your sexiest coloured bra?

► i'd say black. (wtf?)
.

2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?

► dark haired ones. ;P
.

3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?

► no. ;)
.

4. Do you have a bestfriend?

► yeah. and i'm missing her. :(
.

5. Have you ever had your heart broken?

► yeah. but i got over it.
.

6. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?

► no. nadaaaaah!
.

7. Do you like your life?

► yeah. but then again, i don't really have much of a choice.
.

8. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you?

► no. but i stole hers once. (and i was really sorry for it. wait, i didn't steal him. he cheated on her.)
.

9. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?

► yeah.
.

10. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?

► i have more girl friends. ;)
.

11. How long have you had friendster?

► since i was a junior in high school, like 4 years ago.
.

12. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?

► yeah.
.

13. What are your biggest fears?

► imax theatres! lol. ;) and heights.
.

14. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

► yeah.
.

15. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?

► no. i can distract myself easily.
.

16. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?

► uh huh.
.

17. Do you ever wish you were famous?

► no. wait -- i did.
.

18. Are you currently missing someone?

► yeah. . .
.

Oh brother.

I have this urge to just kick myself. I just have to. I mean, this is like my fifth blog (or maybe even sixth, but who effin' cares?) and I can see it now, one whole web page of nothing but crap. No, seriously.

Okay, so I wrote before in my previous blog that my blogging schedule would only be at 3 in the morning. But apparently, that didn't work out so well for me. So now I have to figured out something else.

See? Even my first post is so irrelevant. Don't you just love making up random shit? :) I know I do.